So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
