I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
