Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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