a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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