Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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