Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
