When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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