Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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