He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
