I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
