My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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