i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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