Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
