you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
