Pants 0. Shit 1.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
