Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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