Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
