I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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