after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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