Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
