if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
