I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
