she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dick very happy bro
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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