peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
