i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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