Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
