I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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