You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
