filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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