Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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