Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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