we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
