Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
