dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
