I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
