I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
