sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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