four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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