Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
well you can't waste a boner
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
