if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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