you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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