I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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