I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
