I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
