i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
