At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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