I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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