i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
