WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
