the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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