i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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