btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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