I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
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