Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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