So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
